Let's Be Predictable.

...otherwise known as MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS.

I never do these, really. I am the queen of making well meaning lists chock full of ambition, and then I promptly forget that I actually wrote it all out. So this year, I'm making a dream board and mounting it on the wall.

I've been having some talks with myself, and I've reached a few conclusions in regards to my life. Most of it includes not settling. A lot of people spend their whole lives constructing an existence they're unhappy with out of fear or they sell themselves short because they don't know their worth. Call me delusional, but when I was younger, I used to play house and I was the successful playwright. I would read articles on young, take-charge actresses and I imagined what my own interview would be like; how I would carefully describe my road to fame, the nuances of my art, my inspirations. Being wildly successful was never a question.

When I became an adult, the fog of doubt seeped in under my door, through the cracks in my windows, in the pockets of people who I thought had my best interests in mind. I began to question myself, my abilities. Where did this come from? What lies did I start believing? When did I start thinking that my dreams were too large, too wide around for me to hold?

So my new years resolution is to...[drum roll, please]

BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

simple, right?

Whatever your new years resolution is, I encourage you to invest in yourself. Be your own best advocate. Surround yourself with people who are uplifting, drop the ones who try to poke holes in your dreams.

Blessings to you, wherever you are...may your 2009 be prosperous and an upgrade from 2008 :)

...and don't drink too much champange.

Real Life is better than Fiction.

The moment after a complete strangers pulls your life story from thin air is never how you imagine it. There's no bright lights, no sudden epiphanies, no auspicious apparitions. Just awkward silence, and you, nodding in affirmation. Besides, what they tell you is never anything new. It's all shit you already know. Like how you spent 3 1/2 years studying a field you have no intention actually working in.

"There's a girl...a past roommate? Who doesn't like you very much? She's jealous of you..."

Or how a friend of yours secretly hates your guts (not that you really knew that beforehand, but little surprises you these days). This is just confirmation that girls are, largely, two-faced. I have found that my ovaries have given me no insight into the strange, strange world of female politics. A world that honestly, I'd prefer to keep at arms length. But I digress.

Perhaps the most annoying bit about the moment after is their look of "knowing", as if to say "It'll be ok".

"WHAT will be ok???" you want to scream. "How the hell do YOU know?!"
How dare they tell you things of little importance, don't they know there are greater questions you have? For one, am I really as crazy as I think I am? Am I being melodramatic? How do I stop feeling? How do I START to feel again? Do phases really last this long? When will it be over?

But you don't want to turn it into a question-answer $20-a-minute-plus-tarot-reading session. I get this same feeling around celebrities that I actually really like. No matter how badly I want an autograph, or just to say, "Hey, I really really love your performance in that one movie", I keep my mouth shut, and stay occupied with whatever it was I was doing.

So I just smiled and kept playing with the baby, all my questions quickly smothered beneath my feigned indifference.
Be still, my overactive heart.

TV LAND

Random: I've been watching (on and off) a David Bowie documentary on VH1 Classic, and he just started singing a song with a repetitive refrain that sounds like "sucking your titty". I'm hoping I heard wrong.

As for WHY I suddenly have VH1 Classic (joy to the world), our house recently got wired for FiOS. This means:

1) free long distance on the house phone (don't even ask why we JUST got this)

2) super fantastically fast internet and

3) a million and one channels, 15 of them HD. Now mind you, a chunk of them are going away in 90 days (introductory "let's-see-if-you'll-forget-and-not-
notice-the-extra-$50-on-the-bill scheme), but surprisingly basic cable includes a lot of channels we've never had before. Such as 3 different MTV channels (that ACTUALLY play videos), Style Network, and unedited/undubbed news from 6 different countries (because yes, I like watching French news IN French). I don't watch tv a lot, but believe me, I'll be enjoying the 4 HBO and 3 Stars channels while they last.

I guess I'm telling you all of this to say, if i suddenly drop off the face of the earth, it's because I'm watching rock videos from the 90's. What can I say, I love flannel.